Summer’s here! We’d write some cliched women’s magazine bullshit about capsule wardrobes and effortlessly chic dressing, but we actually plan to spend most of it in our mom’s basement, binge-watching Orange Is The New Black. Still, rickets and a complete lack of social skills won’t stop us planning our perfect all-in holiday to to soulless resort town! Here are Scentbitch’s top five summer fragrances:
- Green Irish Tweed by Creed – Top notes of chlorine and semen for the man who has everything, including genital herpes. Bonus: it goes on forever, just like a Creed thread on Basenotes!
- Bleu de Chanel – The perfect holiday scent, if you’re spending your holiday trapped in the toilet of a budget airline!
- Sahara by Tom Ford – We think sultry Oriental fragrances work really well in hot weather. If you love Ambre Sultan, but want to pay twice as much for it, this one’s for you.
- BOSS Orange Man Feel Good Summer – We don’t know what this smells like, but it says summer so probably it’s great! Plus it’s designer so you know it’s classy (available for $29.24 at FragranceNet.com).
- Dolce & Gabanna Light Blue Summer in Salina – One for the ladies! Wear it to fill the gaping hole in your vacuous personality for the twenty identical weddings you’ll no doubt be attending this August.
fabulous great adequate summer!
Rumors abound that Creed, the fragrance house so beloved by poseurs and date rapists worldwide, has just introduced Creed pour Enfants, a perfume for children conceived during loveless trysts who will eventually grow to hate their self-obsessed asshole parents.
According to documents no one outside of the Creed family has ever seen but shut up because they TOTALLY EXIST OKAY, this fragrance was first presented to the Baby Jesus at his manger in Bethlehem, Year 1 A.D., probably..
an ode to black penis, by Tom Ford.
We didn’t make a bingo sheet (because honestly who has the time for that) but our expert knowledge of the past several years says here’s how it goes at tonight’s “fragrance oscars” of the UK arm of the industry (so not actually like the oscars at all more like maybe the baftas?)
- Roja Dove wins another award for an oud candle or whatever as a thank you for perpetuating the myths of perfumery (and for bringing Nandy del Ollio again).
- Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream & Lady Million Oh My Gold win something probably.
- Tom Ford takes a clean sweep of all nominated categories because his perfumes are classy.
- Richard E Grant wins an award (over more deserving brands) for his “contribution” to the celebrity obsessed Fragrance Foundation UK.
- Harrods get retailer of the year for opening a whole new floor that maybe 5 customers that have visited since it opened.
- Burberry wins a campaign award because Cara Delevigne was in the ad.
- Cheryl definitely not racist I’d even marry a homosexual to prove it Tweedy-Cole-Vagina-Fernandez beats the crap out of a toilet attendant with her award.
- Everyone says they had a great night at the Fifis even though the Fragrance Foundation are doing their damnedest to rebrand them.
May the odds be ever in your favour.
The new men’s launch apparently contains a kulfi accord. Because ice cream is key to the extreme Tom Ford Noir Man’s Lifestyle.
Also there’s now Noir Pour Femme in case you need that.
Next up from Tom Ford: Oud Portofino Noir Extreme de Noir.
We were excited about the launch of Intenso until we realised that it’s not a tasty addition to a takeaway pizza menu, but the new men’s fragrance from Dolce and Gabbana. The campaign features Colin Farrell, sporting the blank-eyed stare of a man who just saw his miniature dachshund crushed under the wheels of a bus. It lives up to its name, but only if your idea of “intense” is being thrashed in a barrel of washing up liquid by an angry mob boss whose daughter you just deflowered in the back of your BMW 3 Series. Will appeal to men who can’t afford Aventus (batch number A4210E01).
PS: Don’t forget that Dolce & Gabbana are still self loathing homophobes.
So, if you haven’t noticed, things have been quiet at scentbitch. Well, we got busy. Sorry.
But we’re kind of back, because the perfume industry continues to be fucking mental. Some of the industry is opening up to honesty and transparency, whereas the rest continues its ridiculous smoke and mirrors bullshit.
Spot the deliberate misspellings of ROBERTET.
Since Tom Ford rebranded the cheapest perfume formula into the fragrance for people into water sports, the industry has spiralled into launching Eaux de Colognes.
Guerlain and Dior, shame on you
Make it stop.
(Why not travel to Dubai to buy it?)